why this isn’t professional, it is real. I am unable to attend my YWCA support group for lack of transportation. As well as self taught through life writing is the best form of medicine for myself as well as helps me learn and grow. Most of all heal myself.
I am not at all perfect, and I have never claimed to be. I do know, through life lessons that ones will and determination combined with having a pure heart has got me through 32 years of life thus far.
I have almost died several times, I have been so sick wasn’t expected to live pass certain ages, I have been beaten up, sexually assaulted numerous times, had numerous abusers and attackers. I have been called everything under the sun, and been prosecuted in a court of law for many of those ‘called titles’. Yet to date my biggest struggle in life seems to be motherhood.
Why in a perfect utopia type world I would perfectly be able to put my ‘personal life & emotions’ off to the side, and be a mom. But lets face it, motherhood is a 24 hours a day 365 days a year. With no time off and no sick leave.
I use the word motherhood in a the same sense as one might speak of a teacher or any job position title. I have given birth to three children (12, 11, and 5 years old). After my first I was pretty much the same as always, but here’s the thing laying in that hospital bed after having my second. Watching my oldest run around the hospital room and holding my G in my arms this overwhelming feeling of fear and uncertainty took over. I frantically looked around for the man I was with, for some comforting and reassuring. Yet he wasn’t there, infact everyone in the room was completely consumed by oldest and oblivious to my G and me. As I looked down in the eyes of G … [okay this isn’t a perfect story. The kind you read a book store, or anything. The truth is I had some complications with this birth and sever allergic reaction to medication that had caused me to seizure a few times.] …..
A few days later and clear headed, as I stood changing my youngest diaper, it all came back to me. Once again I was all alone really this time besides my two children. It felt like literally being hit by a semi pulling cement holders than being ran over by a tree logs that feel off a semi one by one, each tree log a whole different feeling of the world and emotions. Finally my oldest woke up from her nap and had cried out mommy. I looked down at my youngest put the diaper on. Picked G up and walked into their room. [all my births were c-sections. In which case for a period of time following it you are unable to lift anything over 10lbs.] My oldest was still very much in a crib, and wanted out.
The truth is I broke down and cried smoked a cigarette, yelled out loud and vented. Picked up the phone to even tried calling someone for help. Yet nothing. I stood there yet again all alone, and those waves of feelings, not emotions. Just feelings flowed over me in a very calming and soothing way this time. Until …. Lets just say I pulled my big girl pants up and said f-it. Went in the room and lifted my kid out. The pain was phenomenal, after thankfully not passing out and assuring I hadn’t popped anything and was bleeding I layer on the floor, and at that very moment the world changed.
I didn’t have the same outlook on anything. Even my own personal feeling and emotions on things I had been through and done in my past were different. I remembered them the same, yet I actually learned from them, I absolutely completely viewed them as my mother always had. Their for I call that moment when my motherhood light came on. It hasn’t turned off since. There are times over the years I am sure to some on-lookers it may have seemed it must of been on dim. Until they get to know me, see or at least try to look from my point of view. No need to wear my shoes, just look from say over my shoulder or behind me and than they will agree. Not once has it ever turned off or dimmed.
So fast forward to current day, where life is requires me to heal myself. Hopefully successfully this time, which also means I came to tearms with who I am. I am okay with me. Infact I love her. I truly have fought every single day of my life to become her. Flaws and all. I am absolutely as okay with everything I have been through as yes I went through that. Yes that happened. Now I have began to heal my personal feelings and emotions about that stuff.
Now that you have that knowledge, you need to know I was sexually “manipulated” as a child, by another female child. So now as a mother, and better educated than when I was a child. The simple act of my daughter playing with a friend in a room out of my eye site is a battle personally for myself. Heart versus cognitive knowledge.
……. To be continued……
BIG THANK YOU TO THOSE WHO ALLOW FOR THEIR CHILDREN TO INTERACT AND BE FRIENDS WITH MY DAUGHTER. FOR IN TURN IT HELPS ME HEAL. AND INSTILL SOME FAITH IN MANKIND IN GENERAL PERSONALLY.