Domestic Violence · Health · Home & Health · Parenting

Mean Mom

I absolutely have to share this with you. First let me explain I did not allow my child to be tickled by anyone. Period. I felt after all I have been through I was going to make sure my daughter knows what touch she is okay with and what not. Even more so for her to have her own voice from the start to be able to tell and say something. That power I feel is very blurred from very early on for many because of tickling. Think about it, its okay and funny and than all of q sudden ita not and usually your so busy laughing you cant say anything. So by just simply not allowing it, my daughter very clearly says no and don’t now when someone tries to tickle her.


So with that, the article via CNN;

CNN) — My daughter occasionally goes on a hugging and kissing strike.

She’s 7, and she’s been holding these wildcat strikes since she was 3 or 4. Her parents can get a hug or a kiss, but many people who know her cannot, at least not all the time. And I won’t make her.

“I would like you to hug Grandma, but I won’t make you do it,” I first told her three years ago.

“I don’t have to?” she asked, cuddling up to me at bedtime, confirming the facts to be sure.

No, she doesn’t have to. And just to be clear, there is no passive-aggressive, conditional, manipulative nonsense behind my statement. I mean what I say. She doesn’t have to hug or kiss anyone just because I say so, not even me. I will not override my own child’s currently strong instincts to back off from touching someone who she chooses not to touch.

I figure her body is actually hers, not mine.

It doesn’t belong to her parents, uncles and aunts, school teachers or soccer coach. While she must treat people with respect, she doesn’t have to offer physical affection to please them. And the earlier she learns ownership of herself and responsibility for her body, the better for her.

I shudder at recent stories of Josh Duggar’s “inappropriate touching” of his sisters, accusations that Bill Cosby sexually assaulted women after drugging them and Jerry Sandusky, the former Penn State football coach convicted of sexually abusing young boys. And they strengthen my resolve to teach my kid that it’s OK to say no to an adult who lays a hand on her — even a seemingly friendly hand.

“When we force children to submit to unwanted affection in order not to offend a relative or hurt a friend’s feelings, we teach them that their bodies do not really belong to them because they have to push aside their own feelings about what feels right to them,” said Irene van der Zande, co-founder and executive director of Kidpower Teenpower Fullpower International, a nonprofit specializing in teaching personal safety and violence prevention.

“This leads to children getting sexually abused, teen girls submitting to sexual behavior so ‘he’ll like me’ and kids enduring bullying because everyone is ‘having fun.’ ”

Protection against predators

Forcing children to touch people when they don’t want to leaves them vulnerable to sexual abusers, most of whom are people known to the children they abuse, according to Ursula Wagner, a mental health clinician with the FamilyWorks program at Heartland Alliance in Chicago. None of the child victims of sexual abuse or assault she’s counseled was attacked by strangers, she said.

No hugs for grandma? Readers react strongly

Sometimes a child picks up on something odd about your brother-in-law that no one knows. Maybe he isn’t a sexual predator. Maybe he has no sense of boundaries. Maybe he tickles too much, which can be torture for a person who doesn’t like it. Or he may be a predator.

“It sends a message that there are certain situations (when) it’s not up to them what they do with their bodies,” Wagner said. “If they are obligated to be affectionate even if they don’t want to, it makes them vulnerable to sexual abuse later on.”

Why wait until there’s trouble? Parenting coach Sharon Silver worked hard to cultivate her children’s detector. Silver says her sons easily pick up on subtle clues that suggest something isn’t quite right about particular people or situations.

In your child’s case, it may be that something’s off about Aunt Linda or the music teacher down the street.

“It’s something inside of you that tells you when something is wrong,” Silver said. Training your child to pay attention to those instincts may protect him or her in the future.

Having sex to please someone else

Would you want your daughter to have sex with her boyfriend simply to make him happy? Parents who justify ordering their children to kiss grandma may say, “It’s different.”

No, it’s not, according to author Jennifer Lehr, who blogs about her parenting style. Ordering children to kiss or hug an adult they don’t want to touch teaches them to use their body to please you or someone else in authority or, really, anyone.

“The message a child gets is that not only is another person’s emotional state their responsibility but that they must also sacrifice their own bodies to buoy another’s ego or satisfy their desire for love or affection,” Lehr said.

“Certainly no parent would wish for their teenager or adult child to feel pressure to reciprocate unwanted sexual advances, yet many teach their children at a young age that it’s their job to use their bodies to make others happy.”

We can’t be rude

You might think my daughter’s shiftless parents are not teaching her manners, but that’s not true. She has to say “please” and “thank you,” set the table, clear her dishes and thank everyone and everything that makes her meals possible.

She has be polite when greeting people, whether she knows them or not. When family and friends say hello, I give her the option of “a hug or a high-five.” Since she’s been watching adults greet each other with a handshake, she sometimes offers that option. We talk about high-fives so often she’s started using them to meet anyone, which can make the start of any social occasion look like a touchdown celebration.

“When kids are really little and shy, parents can start to offer them choices for treating people with respect and care,” van der Zande said. “By age 6 or 7, even shy kids can shake somebody’s hand or wave or do something to communicate respect and care. Manners — treating people with respect and care — is different than demanding physical displays of affection.”

It creates more work

Refusing to order her to hand out hugs or kisses on demand means there’s more work to keep the relationships going and keep feelings from being hurt. Most of our extended family live far away, so it’s my job to teach my kiddo about people she doesn’t see on a daily basis.

We make sure to keep in contact with calls and Skype and presents. In advance of loved ones’ visits, which often means an all-day plane ride, I talk a lot about our guests, what they mean to me and what we’re going to do when they arrive. I give them plenty of opportunity to interact with her so she can learn to trust them.

I explain to relatives who want to know why we’re letting her decide who she touches. There will be no obligation or a direct order from Mom.

And while I hope I’m teaching my child how to take care of herself in the future, there are benefits to allowing her to express affection in her own way and on her own timeline. When my child cuddles up to my mother on the sofa, happily talking to her about her favorite books and Girl Scouts and other things, my mother’s face lights up. She knows my daughter’s love is real.

Domestic Violence · Personal

Every day affected by domestic violence and it’s aftermath


I wrote this to my ‘abuser’* ;


I still don’t have a man or a friend I can honestly say I trust like I tried to with you against my gut.  [Now I simply want one that has my back and would stick up for me against ill]

When in fact these days the most comfort and support I get feels is only when I have gone to my local Community DSHS Office or with Lil’s teacher.

Even though the actual Domestic Violence incidents happened some time ago. The truth is we the survivors still very much deal with it every single day.

I want you to know, even though you will never understand how it feels. My lil who witnessed all you did, now when unable to communicate her own feelings reacts in the very way she saw you treat me. When she couldn’t scream, call for help, for someone to stop this hurting of her mom. Now years later when overwhelmed by emotions, those memories stored in her subconscious is what she does.

So why it may not be you physically hurting me any more, it is your actions stored in her memory for a life time that is hurting me just the same. Only it’s from the very person I protected above all else my child.

I know you will never completely understand this and how already having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from prior Domestic Violence and trauma could feel now to only be combined with this. However I want you to know, as a human you have forever affected and changed our life’s. In a way that we still very much deal with every single day.

Community · Domestic Violence · Ect.. · Home & Health · Resources

Soft Skills Workshop For Domestic Violence Survivors


Community Resources, 1/26/17

By staff on Jan 26, 2017 09:15 am

A Day of Support for Women

WHEN: Saturday, January 28, 2017, 9:30am (optional breakfast), 10am – 3pm workshop

WHERE: The 2100 Building (2100 24th Ave S, Seattle 98144)

WHAT: Join Solid Ground case managers for a day-long Soft Skills Workshop/Day of Support for women who are domestic violence survivors. We’ll provide: ⇒ Breakfast, lunch & snacks ⇒ A fun & informative classroom atmosphere! ⇒ Children’s activities ⇒ Prizes ⇒ Vendors ⇒ Gas cards ⇒ A convenient location ⇒ Access bus (as needed). Registration is required; see contact info below!


  • 9:30 – 10am: Breakfast
  • 10 – 11:30am: Tenant Education — Rights and responsibilities for tenants and landlords
  • 11:30am – Noon: Lunch & Vendors — Check out our educational and self-care vendors!
  • Noon – 1:30pm: Budgeting for the Crisis — Learn how to budget, prioritize and make better choices about financial management!
  • 1:30 – 3pm: Survivorship to Victorious/Self Care & Boundaries — Presented by LaTanya V. Horace, Advocate, Facilitator, Domestic Violence/Sexual Assault Healing Practitioner and Founder of the Silent Task Force (since 2009)

QUESTIONS/RSVP: Registration is required! Contact Celestine at 206.694.6808 or to register, or if you have any questions about the event.




Domestic Violence · Home & Health · Parenting

Kidz’n Power; Child Safety Training

Every 40 seconds a child is abducted or goes missing in the United States, according to Karin Bilich. Who wrote Child Abduction Facts for As a parent just the thought of quick 40 seconds is sends child down my back. In the blink of an eye someone can grab my child and be gone. I think about this kind of thing a lot. Yes more than your average parent, however my child is a bit more high risk in this department.

So when I happen to find something like Kidz’n Power; Child Safety Training, I am excited. Not to mention it is completely FREE. What could be better?

latest statistics reporting over 800,000 missing children last year!  That’s an average of more than 2,000 each day.  Time Magazine reports “One in every 42 children will BECOME a missing child!”   On top of that, 1 out of 3 kids will be attacked physically before the age of 18.” Source ATA Northwest website.

So The American Taekwondo Association, Kidz n’ Power  and Karate America in partnership with AMBER Alert (.com) are working together. Their mission is to bring up the awareness on this issue as well as provide the opportunity to children and their parents to raise their knowledge and equip them with some basic skills.

WHEN: OCTOBER 22ND 2016 @ 12:30

WHERE: 1500 SOUTH 336TH ST, #18

Or you can register online, here. Dont forget space is limited.


Domestic Violence · Home & Health · Knowledge · Resources

Auburn WA PD Phone App

Our local police department has released an application for the people to have access to another way of communicating with law enforcement for none emergency services.

|•pasted directly from Microsoft site. |

The Auburn Police Department is committed to providing an open and two way communication link to the department. In partnership with LogicTree IT Solutions, Inc., the department now offers a mobile app that provides the perfect way for you to receive notifications of critical information immediately to your mobile device, as well as bulletins about missing persons, stolen vehicles, traffic incidents, etc.

The Auburn Police Department App allows you to easily submit tips (anonymously if desired), send comments, photos and place non-emergency calls to the department with the touch of a button.


Key Features Include:

• Receive Bulletins • Receive Alert Push Notifications from the Agency • Receive Agency Updates • View Agency Calendar of Events • Use One Touch Call to the Agency • Send a CRIME TIP to the Agency (anonymously) • Send a message to the Agency • Send Photos • Send your location to Agency • Share with Facebook and Twitter • Links to view Agency related information • Maps to Agency locations • Ability to take surveys and answer polls • More settings to control the app