A reminder in form of an x-ray

The other day I finally had an appointment at a local university dental school here. The entire trip to just get there took 100+ minutes and consisted of me having to ride a bus, a train and than the light rail train.

My PTSD had me very well stressed, anxiety had had kicked in before I even left the house that morning. My general anxious phobia and fear of the dentist has caused issues my whole life just felt like icing on the cake. Lord I can only imagine how awful my body language and demeanor must of been.

As they took one of them panoramic x-rays of what was left of my teeth it instantly appeared on the computer screen. My fear became the very clear truth. [although to the professional medical personnel weren’t aware of my history, I was] And as with other aspects of my health having been able to heal properly [and the personal feeling to please and not upset or irritate my abuser was an all too present feeling*.] It seemed to take twice as long to get home, too long. My mind kept wondering to this topic and the more I tried to fight it, the more anxious I became. That by the time I transferred to the last bus that I had to take to return home, I could barely keep my eyes open.

For someone who’s PTSD is greatly around trust and feeling safe I just felt too unprotected to be that emotionally and physically drained to be where I was. My daughter’s returning home before being able to nap for 30mins, I am afraid gave me a very short fuse for the rest of the night.

I still have spent a majority of today avoiding the thoughts in my mind around this topic. Funny the more energy I use to mentally avoid this topic the more exhausted it makes me. Either way it’s the very real truth of domestic violence. And in particular a major obstacle of my life. For so many peoples biased opinions and views of me are based off this very for mentioned time when I should of been healing for example.

To the other survivors stay strong and believe in your self and always love yourself and what’s important to you. Don’t ever lose sight of it.

* This is sadly a characteristic I have now. I always used to be a pleasing type person. I acknowledge this, it’s now so different. I struggle daily with this battle in all aspects of life. I try and try but unfortunately my post times am unaware of this until it’s passed. Usually seems to coincide after my something has triggered my PTSD.

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