Domestic Violence · Health · Home & Health · Parenting

Mean Mom

I absolutely have to share this with you. First let me explain I did not allow my child to be tickled by anyone. Period. I felt after all I have been through I was going to make sure my daughter knows what touch she is okay with and what not. Even more so for her to have her own voice from the start to be able to tell and say something. That power I feel is very blurred from very early on for many because of tickling. Think about it, its okay and funny and than all of q sudden ita not and usually your so busy laughing you cant say anything. So by just simply not allowing it, my daughter very clearly says no and don’t now when someone tries to tickle her.

 

So with that, the article via CNN;

CNN) — My daughter occasionally goes on a hugging and kissing strike.

She’s 7, and she’s been holding these wildcat strikes since she was 3 or 4. Her parents can get a hug or a kiss, but many people who know her cannot, at least not all the time. And I won’t make her.

“I would like you to hug Grandma, but I won’t make you do it,” I first told her three years ago.

“I don’t have to?” she asked, cuddling up to me at bedtime, confirming the facts to be sure.

No, she doesn’t have to. And just to be clear, there is no passive-aggressive, conditional, manipulative nonsense behind my statement. I mean what I say. She doesn’t have to hug or kiss anyone just because I say so, not even me. I will not override my own child’s currently strong instincts to back off from touching someone who she chooses not to touch.

I figure her body is actually hers, not mine.

It doesn’t belong to her parents, uncles and aunts, school teachers or soccer coach. While she must treat people with respect, she doesn’t have to offer physical affection to please them. And the earlier she learns ownership of herself and responsibility for her body, the better for her.

I shudder at recent stories of Josh Duggar’s “inappropriate touching” of his sisters, accusations that Bill Cosby sexually assaulted women after drugging them and Jerry Sandusky, the former Penn State football coach convicted of sexually abusing young boys. And they strengthen my resolve to teach my kid that it’s OK to say no to an adult who lays a hand on her — even a seemingly friendly hand.

“When we force children to submit to unwanted affection in order not to offend a relative or hurt a friend’s feelings, we teach them that their bodies do not really belong to them because they have to push aside their own feelings about what feels right to them,” said Irene van der Zande, co-founder and executive director of Kidpower Teenpower Fullpower International, a nonprofit specializing in teaching personal safety and violence prevention.

“This leads to children getting sexually abused, teen girls submitting to sexual behavior so ‘he’ll like me’ and kids enduring bullying because everyone is ‘having fun.’ ”

Protection against predators

Forcing children to touch people when they don’t want to leaves them vulnerable to sexual abusers, most of whom are people known to the children they abuse, according to Ursula Wagner, a mental health clinician with the FamilyWorks program at Heartland Alliance in Chicago. None of the child victims of sexual abuse or assault she’s counseled was attacked by strangers, she said.

No hugs for grandma? Readers react strongly

Sometimes a child picks up on something odd about your brother-in-law that no one knows. Maybe he isn’t a sexual predator. Maybe he has no sense of boundaries. Maybe he tickles too much, which can be torture for a person who doesn’t like it. Or he may be a predator.

“It sends a message that there are certain situations (when) it’s not up to them what they do with their bodies,” Wagner said. “If they are obligated to be affectionate even if they don’t want to, it makes them vulnerable to sexual abuse later on.”

Why wait until there’s trouble? Parenting coach Sharon Silver worked hard to cultivate her children’s detector. Silver says her sons easily pick up on subtle clues that suggest something isn’t quite right about particular people or situations.

In your child’s case, it may be that something’s off about Aunt Linda or the music teacher down the street.

“It’s something inside of you that tells you when something is wrong,” Silver said. Training your child to pay attention to those instincts may protect him or her in the future.

Having sex to please someone else

Would you want your daughter to have sex with her boyfriend simply to make him happy? Parents who justify ordering their children to kiss grandma may say, “It’s different.”

No, it’s not, according to author Jennifer Lehr, who blogs about her parenting style. Ordering children to kiss or hug an adult they don’t want to touch teaches them to use their body to please you or someone else in authority or, really, anyone.

“The message a child gets is that not only is another person’s emotional state their responsibility but that they must also sacrifice their own bodies to buoy another’s ego or satisfy their desire for love or affection,” Lehr said.

“Certainly no parent would wish for their teenager or adult child to feel pressure to reciprocate unwanted sexual advances, yet many teach their children at a young age that it’s their job to use their bodies to make others happy.”

We can’t be rude

You might think my daughter’s shiftless parents are not teaching her manners, but that’s not true. She has to say “please” and “thank you,” set the table, clear her dishes and thank everyone and everything that makes her meals possible.

She has be polite when greeting people, whether she knows them or not. When family and friends say hello, I give her the option of “a hug or a high-five.” Since she’s been watching adults greet each other with a handshake, she sometimes offers that option. We talk about high-fives so often she’s started using them to meet anyone, which can make the start of any social occasion look like a touchdown celebration.

“When kids are really little and shy, parents can start to offer them choices for treating people with respect and care,” van der Zande said. “By age 6 or 7, even shy kids can shake somebody’s hand or wave or do something to communicate respect and care. Manners — treating people with respect and care — is different than demanding physical displays of affection.”

It creates more work

Refusing to order her to hand out hugs or kisses on demand means there’s more work to keep the relationships going and keep feelings from being hurt. Most of our extended family live far away, so it’s my job to teach my kiddo about people she doesn’t see on a daily basis.

We make sure to keep in contact with calls and Skype and presents. In advance of loved ones’ visits, which often means an all-day plane ride, I talk a lot about our guests, what they mean to me and what we’re going to do when they arrive. I give them plenty of opportunity to interact with her so she can learn to trust them.

I explain to relatives who want to know why we’re letting her decide who she touches. There will be no obligation or a direct order from Mom.

And while I hope I’m teaching my child how to take care of herself in the future, there are benefits to allowing her to express affection in her own way and on her own timeline. When my child cuddles up to my mother on the sofa, happily talking to her about her favorite books and Girl Scouts and other things, my mother’s face lights up. She knows my daughter’s love is real.

Bio · Learning · Parenting

Dyslexia a new look at it

I wanted to take a moment and share something with everyone. This past month I have just been blown away by my daughters academically growing. Now when we watch TV she runs up all excited and points out the sight words she recognizes. As a person who is dyslexic, I do not remember ever having those same enjoyments when it came to reading. It was such a struggle and still is for me, that it truly astounds me, and bewilders me all at the same time. I absolutely enjoy being a part of it, for me it’s a blessing. Simply because I reading and phonetics are so different for me. To be able to be a part of “normal” phonics and comprehension is truly wonderful and a learning gift all in its own.

 

As a person who is dyslexic, I cannot begin to tell you how much it opened my eyes. I have a new understanding of dyslexia and all thanks to my wonderful daughter. I am very grateful.

 

Domestic Violence · Home & Health · Parenting

Kidz’n Power; Child Safety Training

Every 40 seconds a child is abducted or goes missing in the United States, according to Karin Bilich. Who wrote Child Abduction Facts for Parents.com. As a parent just the thought of quick 40 seconds is sends child down my back. In the blink of an eye someone can grab my child and be gone. I think about this kind of thing a lot. Yes more than your average parent, however my child is a bit more high risk in this department.

So when I happen to find something like Kidz’n Power; Child Safety Training, I am excited. Not to mention it is completely FREE. What could be better?

latest statistics reporting over 800,000 missing children last year!  That’s an average of more than 2,000 each day.  Time Magazine reports “One in every 42 children will BECOME a missing child!”   On top of that, 1 out of 3 kids will be attacked physically before the age of 18.” Source ATA Northwest website.

So The American Taekwondo Association, Kidz n’ Power  and Karate America in partnership with AMBER Alert (.com) are working together. Their mission is to bring up the awareness on this issue as well as provide the opportunity to children and their parents to raise their knowledge and equip them with some basic skills.

WHEN: OCTOBER 22ND 2016 @ 12:30

WHERE: 1500 SOUTH 336TH ST, #18
FEDERAL WAY, WA 98003
(206)304-6371

Or you can register online, here. Dont forget space is limited.

PicMonkey2

About · Bio · Mine · Parenting

Personal health healing

why this isn’t professional, it is real. I am unable to attend my YWCA support group for lack of transportation. As well as self taught through life writing is the best form of medicine for myself as well as helps me learn and grow. Most of all heal myself.

I am not at all perfect, and I have never claimed to be. I do know, through life lessons that ones will and determination combined with having a pure heart has got me through 32 years of life thus far.

I have almost died several times, I  have been so sick wasn’t expected to live pass certain ages, I have been beaten up, sexually assaulted numerous times, had numerous abusers and  attackers. I have been called everything under the sun, and been prosecuted in a court of law for many of those ‘called titles’. Yet to date my biggest struggle in life seems to be motherhood.

Why in a perfect utopia type world I would perfectly be able to put my ‘personal life & emotions’ off to the side, and be a mom. But lets face it, motherhood is a 24 hours a day 365 days a year. With no time off and no sick leave.

I use the word motherhood in a the same sense as one might speak of a teacher or any job position title. I have given birth to three children (12, 11, and 5 years old).  After my first I was pretty much the same as always, but here’s the thing laying in that hospital bed after having my second. Watching my oldest run around the hospital room and holding my G in my arms this overwhelming feeling of fear and uncertainty took over. I frantically looked around for the man I was with, for some comforting and reassuring. Yet he wasn’t there, infact everyone in the room was completely consumed by oldest and oblivious to my G and me. As I looked down in the eyes of G … [okay this isn’t a perfect story. The kind you read a book store, or anything. The truth is I had some complications with this birth and sever allergic reaction to medication that had caused me to seizure a few times.] …..
A few days later and clear headed, as I stood changing my youngest diaper, it all came back to me. Once again I was all alone really this time besides my two children. It felt like literally being hit by a semi pulling cement holders than being ran over by a tree logs that feel off a semi one by one, each tree log a whole different feeling of the world and emotions. Finally my oldest woke up from her nap and had cried out mommy. I looked down at my youngest put the diaper on. Picked G up and walked into their room. [all my births were c-sections. In which case for a period of time following it you are unable to lift anything over 10lbs.] My oldest was still very much in a crib, and wanted out.

The truth is I broke down and cried smoked a cigarette, yelled out loud and vented. Picked up the phone to even tried calling someone for help. Yet nothing. I stood there yet again all alone, and those waves of feelings, not emotions. Just feelings flowed over me in a very calming and soothing way this time. Until …. Lets just say I pulled my big girl pants up and said f-it. Went in the room and lifted my kid out. The pain was phenomenal, after thankfully not passing out and assuring I hadn’t popped anything and was bleeding I layer on the floor, and at that very moment the world changed.

I didn’t have the same outlook on  anything. Even my own personal feeling and emotions on things I had been through and done in my past were different. I remembered them the same, yet I actually learned from them, I absolutely completely viewed them as my mother always had. Their for I call that moment when my motherhood light came on. It hasn’t turned off since. There are times over the years I am sure to some on-lookers it may have seemed it must of been on dim. Until they get to know me, see or at least try to look from my point of view. No need to wear my shoes, just look from say over my shoulder or behind me and than they will agree. Not once has it ever turned off or dimmed.

So fast forward to current day, where life is requires me to heal myself. Hopefully successfully this time, which also means I came to tearms with who I am. I am okay with me. Infact I love her. I truly have fought every single day of my life to become her. Flaws and all. I am absolutely as okay with everything I have been through as yes I went through that. Yes that happened. Now I have began to heal my personal feelings and emotions about that stuff.

Now that you have that knowledge, you need to know I was  sexually “manipulated” as a child, by another female child. So now as a mother, and better educated than when I was a child.     The simple act of my daughter playing with a friend in a room out of my eye site is a battle personally for myself. Heart versus cognitive knowledge.

……. To be continued……

 

 

BIG THANK YOU TO THOSE WHO ALLOW FOR THEIR CHILDREN TO INTERACT AND BE FRIENDS WITH MY DAUGHTER. FOR IN TURN IT HELPS ME HEAL. AND INSTILL SOME FAITH IN MANKIND IN GENERAL PERSONALLY.

 

Ect.. · Home & Health · Money & Budgets · Parenting · Resources

Khol’s Cares Free Helmet dates WA 2016

 

Bike Helmet Fitting and Giveaway

Free bike helmets available for children at least 1 year old to age 18. One helmet per child. Wearers must be present and be fitted to receive a helmet. Quantities are limited. First come, first served. No appointments needed.

Date: Saturday, August 13, 2016
Time: 10 a.m. to 2 p.m.
Location: Kohl’s Covington, 17002 SE 270th Pl., Covington, WA 98042

 

Bike Helmet Fitting and Giveaway

Free bike helmets available for children at least 1 year old to age 18. One helmet per child. Wearers must be present and be fitted to receive a helmet. Quantities are limited. First come, first served. No appointments needed.

Date: Saturday, September 10, 2016
Time: 11 a.m. to 3 p.m.
Location: 1920 Terry Ave., Seattle, WA 98101 – Free parking at event

 

Seattle Children’s Hospital and Khols Caress program…

We are working to get more kids and teens into properly fit helmets through the Kohl’s Helmet Safety Program at Seattle Children’s.

In partnership with Kohl’s Cares, we travel Washington state providing free helmet fittings and giveaways for children year-round. We teach parents and kids how to properly fit every helmet we give away, but we don’t stop there. We also provide resources to teach you to fit helmets where you are, in the community or at home. In our eight-year partnership, we have properly fit and given away over 25,000 helmets

All information provided by: http://www.seattlechildrens.org/classes-community/community-programs/kohls-helmet-safety/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=kohlshelmetFY16

Domestic Violence · Home & Health · Parenting

Enough Aggressive Behavior,

I typically don’t do posts like this one. However I am this morning. I am just extremely emotionally drained on all levels. Personal and parental.

Personal life has me working sort of on a bunch of stuff. In turn makes the fact that my child has a growing aggression towards me. This is completely new territory for myself. And very unsure where to begin to address the issue.

Yesterday was mostly a low key day until the evening. My child knew we talked about it all day that we had plans that evening to go some where. When some neighbor kids were hanging around outside where she could see them. And when I wouldn’t allow her outside to play. She instantly attacked me. I picked her up, put her in our room and shut the door. When in time out my child kicks and beats on the bedroom door. Terribly as well as screams all kinds of things. Anything she thinks will get someone’s attention even if its absolutely not true.

understand our apartment is one bedroom and to get to the bathroom you have to go through the bedroom. So amidst her kicking and screaming I opened the door to go to the bathroom. However she had been right behind the door this time. And got the bumped ny the door knob thinking I was just coming in to yell at her for what she was saying.

Than that evening at the aquarium and beach she was, just wow! When we were leaving and in the middle of the cross walk she started yet another fit. When I tried picking her up to move her out of the cross walk. She pulled one of the oh so typical children fit throwing moves of her legs turned to noodles and she trying to lift her up they returned from noodle state to kicking me. Once across the intersection she continued to kick and hit me as well as block the way.

Now this morning I am horrified by seeing my childs at where I had held it trying to pick her up and move her out of the cross walk/intersection. I feel completely awful yet lost not know how to even begin to address this issue of her aggression towards me. While I struggle with that on a personal level being a Domestic violence survivor (x2).

If anyone has any suggestions I would appreciate it. I think I am going to try and call her old counselor for a referral to one that deals with aggressive behavior in children. I have noticed she gets a little aggressive and bucks up to kids her own age when playing with the neighbors. However not with older kids.

Any books you may know of too would be awesome.